The Konoha Research and Investigative Committee
by HazardLife
Summary: Kimiko, a coffee addict, Kai, a professional pervert, and Saiga, a computer geek, are freelance reporters working to uncover Konoha's best-kept secrets. But what will their investigations uncover?
1. Chapter 1: Ninja Teams

It was an ordinary day in Konoha, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the Ninjas were doing Ninjary things. But in a dark, smoky basement, deep within the village, an elite team was preparing for their first mission against the unsuspecting populace.

Armed with clipboards, cameras and recording devices, the three-person team planned to assault the village centre during the midday shopping rush-hour. They would ambush anybody and everybody, scale any building, peer through any window, hack any firewall. They would go to any lengths to get their stories.

They were journalists.

**First Mission – Ninja Teams**

"Gaaaahhh! That hits the spot!" Exclaimed Kimi, downing her 20th cup of coffee of the day. Sabuya Kimiko, 17, was a slightly haggled looking girl, with black hair in two pigtails, which stuck out like someone had impaled a metal bar through her head, and wore large, round-lens glasses. She twitched uncontrollably every now and again, and her eyes could never focus on one thing for very long.

She took her empty cup back to the coffee machine and refilled it, nervously chewing on a pencil as she did.

"How can you drink that shit all the time?" Asked Kai, slouching in an armchair. Seburo Kai, 17, had rugged good looks, and spiky brown hair, which girls would often find attractive – at least until they got to know him. He was, after all, a Class-A pervert. A cigarette was stuck between his lips, and his camera hung on a strap round his neck, ever-ready to capture scenes of particular interest.

"Prime-time shopping hour's about to start." Warned Saiga, from in front of a mass of electronic equipment, "You better get going." Hitachi Saiga, 13, was a quiet and unassuming boy, with light brown hair and youthful looks. He was a genius with computers, but was incredibly shy when it came to people.

Pencil clamped between her teeth, Kimi grabbed her clipboard, dragged the chain-smoking Kai from his chair, and dashed out of the door.

They arrived in the Konoha shopping district at noon. Kimi scanned the crowd for a first victim, trying unsuccessfully to stop her teeth from chattering. Kai's camera shutter clicked, which could only mean one thing – an attractive girl was nearby, and possibly in a scandalous position.

Kimi turned to see Haruno Sakura and Hatake Kakashi walking down the road, the older man's arm around teenager's shoulders, in what could have been the proud embrace of a teacher, or could have been something else entirely…

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_We, the Konoha Research and Investigative Committee, are proud to present our first report on the inner workings of Konoha society._

_Our first topic of interest is the common structure of Ninja teams, seen not just in those of Konoha, but in those of other nations as well._

_This report is divided into two sections. First, a survey of public opinion, and second, a shocking exposé from the Hokage's office itself._

_KONOHA INVESTIGATIVE REPORT 1: SURVEY_

_-------------------------------------_

_"Why do Ninja teams always have two boys and only one girl?"_

_Survey taken between 12:00 and 13:30, in the Konoha shopping district._

_Survey conducted by Sabuya Kimiko and Seburo Kai._

_RESULTS OF SURVEY:_

_------------------_

_Sakura H. – "There has to be a girl, to keep the boys from getting into trouble, of course. I've always felt that I'm the voice of reason in my team."_

_--_

_Kakashi H. – "Yes, having a girl on the team is always a nice distraction."_

_Sakura H. – "I heard that!"_

_Kakashi H. – "Oww!"_

_--_

_Rock L. – "It's all about male bonding. Strong male relationships are what hold a team together, that's what Gai-sensei says."_

_--_

_Jiraiya – "They're Ninja love triangles. I'm writing about them in my next book - 'Make-Out Ninjas'."_

_Kai – "Can I see it?"_

_Jiraiya – "No. It's adults only."_

_Kai – "Maybe we can come to an agreement, I have some pictures you might like."_

_Jiraiya – "Pictures, you say…"_

_--_

_Ino Y. – "It's because male ninjas are sexist pigs and don't give us girls equal treatment."_

_Kai – "Say, can I take some photos of you? Y'know, for our glamour page?"_

_Ino Y. – "Go ahead, handsome."_

_--_

_Sai – "Huh? Two boys? I thought Naruto was a girl."_

_--_

_Kiba I. – "I don't know. It's probably just because there are more boy ninjas than girls, they have to balance the teams out."_

_--_

_Shino 'The Emo' A. – "Leave me alone."_

_(NOTE: Derogatory name-calling is the singular province of Seburo Kai. All ensuing lawsuits should be directed towards him alone.)_

_--_

_Anko M. – "Heh! One girl is more than a match for two boys."_

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The survey had been a reasonably successful first mission, Kimi thought to herself. She would have liked to have made it longer, but her extreme coffee withdrawal symptoms had caused her to chew her pencil into splinters.

Kai was becoming a problem as well. Sakura and Ino had provoked only minor drooling, but upon the arrival of Mitarashi Anko, who in the habit of wearing only a fishnet t-shirt and an open jacket, Kimi had been forced to knock Kai out, to prevent him from going into a groping fit.

It was strange, Kimi thought, that even though they had known each other since childhood, Kai had never made any advances on her. Usually, anything that walked upright and had breasts was enough to grab his attention, but never even once had he made any indication that he was interested in her. Not that that was a bad thing. She knew what he was really like, and didn't much like the idea of becoming one of his perverted fantasies.

"Kai! Wake up!" She yelled in his ear.

"Gaaaah…" He moaned, clawing his way back to consciousness, "That hurt, Kimi!"

"It's better than the alternative." Kimiko warned him, "Anko-sama isn't known for her forgivingness. You could have been killed!"

"But it would have been soooo worth it." He grinned distractedly, lighting up a cigarette.

Kimi noticed her hand was spasming, and tried futilely to stop it. "Come on, lets get back to HQ."

By the time they got back to the basement, Kimiko was shivering all over. Nearly two hours without coffee was taking a heavy toll on her body functions, and Kai had been getting worried that he might actually have to carry her the last stretch.

Saiga was quietly waiting for them, a steaming mug in his hand. The younger boy timidly offered it to Kimi, who gulped it down like it was the water of life. "How did it go?" He asked, once she regained enough sanity to speak.

"It went well." Kimi nodded, "We got some good opinions. Now we need to get them typed up, and get the second part."

"Are you sure you can do it?" Kai asked Saiga, "Are you sure you can hack into the Hokage's office databanks?"

"I think so." Saiga shrugged, "I've done it before for fun."

"Strange way to have fun." Kai frowned.

Minutes later, they were clustered around Saiga as he worked his magic on the computer. Numbers and codes flew past on screen at such a pace that even Kimiko, who's caffeine-fuelled brain allowed her to read and write at inhuman speeds, couldn't keep up with it.

All of a sudden, the screen went blank, and then flashed on again, displaying a desktop with folders and files. "I'm in." Saiga said quietly. He pulled up the search tool, searched the keywords 'ninja team', '2 males' and '1 female'. A single file appeared, entitled 'TOP SECRET: Selective Breeding Program'. "We could get arrested for this." Saiga warned them.

"It's our duty as journalists to report the truth to the world." Kai declared, leaning in, obviously eager to see what twisted plans the higher-up's had for the youth of Konoha.

Kimiko took a long slurp of coffee. "Do it." She said.

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_Our names are Sabuya Kimiko, Seburo Kai and Hitachi Saiga. We are The Konoha Research and Investigative Committee. If this is the last anyone hears of us, it is likely that we have been arrested and are being held in a dungeon by our own government._

_Despite the dangers, it is our duty as journalists to report the truth to the world. The freedom of the press can never be taken away._

_KONOHA INVESTIGATIVE REPORT 1: THE TRUTH_

_-----------------------------------------------------------_

_The following document has been directly taken from databanks of the Hokage's office, it has not been altered or enhanced in any way._

_TOP SECRET: SELECTIVE BREEDING PROGRAM_

_--------------------------------------_

_To the Hokage-sama, whomever that may be._

_Our great nation has long prided itself on the combat ability of our ninjas, however this balance is fragile, and must be carefully controlled._

_Without tight restrictions, our nation would be swamped with generations of untalented, unskilled ninjas, with little or no tactical value, therefore only the best and most determined are chosen to become ninjas._

_Those who make it through the induction process are divided into teams. Ninja teams must always consist of 2 males and 1 female, besides the captain. This number has been carefully researched and has proven the most efficient for furthering our great nation._

_Statistics show that within a 3-unit team, it is more likely that two of the team will form a breeding pair, the offspring of which will contain the strengths of both. The offspring will then become ninjas themselves, and the cycle repeats._

_Due to this system, the military strength of Konoha is expected to rise exponentially, easily surpassing that of our rival nations within a few generations._

_For the glory and betterment of Konoha._

_Kurohana Jin_

_Senior Researcher_

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After reading the document, no one had spoken. Kai had gone over to his corner and had started chain-smoking again, and Saiga had quietly tinkered with his equipment, despite there being nothing wrong with it. Kimi recognised what they were doing as a way of relieving the pressure, she herself had already turned five pencils into woodchips.

In one moment, they all looked round to each other and nodded. They had done what was necessary to be done. Now they would type their work up into a report, which would be printed in their new column in The Konoha Times the following day.

The rest was up to fate…


	2. Chapter 2: Behind the Mask

**Second Mission – Behind the Mask**

Nearly a week had passed since they had published their first report, and still no secret ANBU squad had come to arrest them. In fact, their column had received surprisingly good feedback.

They had received several letters, some complimenting them on their work, others suggesting further investigation topics, and disturbingly, even some from girls asking to be on the non-existent glamour page that Kai had mentioned. Kimi had kept those last few letters from him, not wishing to encourage his antics.

The editor of The Konoha Times had agreed to keep running their column for as long as they would write it. He had even mentioned the possibility of moving it forward to page 4, depending on future ratings.

The team had planned out their second report. Kimi had been looking through the recommendation letters, and there was one subject which kept appearing again and again. An age-old question which still had no satisfactory answer.

What was behind Kakashi's mask?

Kai had been disappointed. He had wanted to do a piece on Hokage Tsunade, whose generous bust he was highly appreciative of. Kimi however, had cautioned him that if the Hokage was still unaware of their actions last week, it would be a bad idea to do anything that would provoke her. Faced with this logic, Kai had solemnly agreed.

So, once again, Kimiko and Kai were out canvassing the streets for opinions, this time with a vacuum flask of coffee for emergencies. They also had scheduled an interview with Uzumaki Naruto, who had promised to meet them at the Ichiraku Ramen House, to discuss Team Kakashi's previous attempts to discover their captain's secret.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Following the success of our first article, The Konoha Research and Investigative Committee is back with another report on the hidden secrets of Konoha._

_We would like to thank everyone who sent us letters over the past week, though we regret to inform you that our glamour page has been cancelled, so please do not send any more requests._

_Due to popular interest, this report is focussed on the vigilantly hidden secret of one of Konoha's most well-liked Ninja captains._

_KONOHA INVESTIGATIVE REPORT 2: SURVEY_

_-------------------------------------_

_"What do you think is behind Kakashi's mask?"_

_Survey taken between 11:00 and 12:00, in the Konoha shopping district._

_Survey conducted by Sabuya Kimiko and Seburo Kai._

_RESULTS OF SURVEY:_

_------------------_

_Gai M. – "Hah! The reason my rival wears that mask is because he has the face of girl. I know this for a fact!"_

_Choji A. – "He's Hannibal Lecter. They make him wear that mask to stop him eating people."_

_Neji H. - "I have no idea."_

_Kai – "But can't your Byakugan power see through it?"_

_Neji H. – "No. He has some sort of protection technique on it."_

_Pakkun – "I've known him all his life and never seen him without it. Even he probably doesn't know what his face looks like. Woof."_

_Shizune – "He's got… Wait a minute, you're those damn reporters who broke our firewall! Get back heeeeere!"_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shizune had chased them for several blocks before they managed to lose her. As fast as the Hokage's secretary was, she could not keep up with a coffee demon and a professional pervert.

"At least now we can be sure they know about us." Panted Kimiko. Kai, who had just recovered from a coughing fit, immediately proceeded to light up a smoke. "Oh, that's really going to be good for your lungs!" Kimi chided him.

"Whatever." Kai dismissed, "Let's go meet Naruto, I'm hungry."

The Ichiraku Ramen House was a popular hang-out for ninjas, in fact, they got few other customers besides them. There was an unspoken rule in the village that admittance to Ichiraku Ramen was by invitation from a ninja only, and its food possessed an almost legendary status.

Uzumaki Naruto was waiting for them outside. "Yo!" He called out, seeing them coming. Kimi smiled and waved back.

They ducked under the shop curtain and sat down. "Welcome!" Teuchi, the proprietor, greeted them.

"What would you like?" Teuchi's daughter, Ayame asked them. Noticing Kai's mischievous grin, Kimiko elbowed him in the ribs before he could say anything inappropriate.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_In our quest for the truth, we have conducted an exclusive interview with Uzumaki Naruto, a member of the original Team Kakashi, who has agreed to enlighten us on the Team's attempts to uncover their leader's face._

_KONOHA INVESTIGATIVE REPORT 2: INTERVIEW_

_----------------------------------------_

_Interview carried out at 12:30, at the Ichiraku Ramen House._

_Interviewee: Uzumaki Naruto_

_Interview conducted by Sabuya Kimiko and Seburo Kai._

_TRANSCRIPT OF INTERVIEW_

_-----------------------_

_Kimiko – "So, Naruto-san, after you graduated from the Academy you were assigned to Kakashi-sama's team. What were your first impressions of him?"_

_Naruto U. – "I thought he was an idiot. What kind of ninja would fall for the 'board eraser on top of the door' trick? Though when I think back on it, I'm sure he did it deliberately."_

_Kimiko – "What was he like as a teacher?"_

_Naruto U. – "He was always late for always late for training sessions, when he finally would show up, he'd come up with some lame excuse. Then instead of teaching us properly, he'd just just give us some stupid task, while he stood around reading one of Pervo Hermit's books."_

_Kai – "Have you read any of them?"_

_Naruto U. – "I wrote part of one."_

_Kai – "WHAT! Tell me about it!"_

_(NOTE: At this point I, Sabuya Kimiko, determined that my colleague's questions were going too far off subject and performed intervention measures.)_

_Kai – "OWW!"_

_Kimiko – "Let's get back on topic."_

_Naruto U. – "Kakashi-sensei is a really cool guy though. He's got a ton of awesome techniques, as well as that Sharingan eye. His new eye power is super-powerful, it tore an Akatsuki's arm clean off!"_

_Kimiko – "Why don't you tell us about when you tried to find out what was under his mask?"_

_Naruto U. – "Oh, right. It was back when Sasuke was still part of the team… Anyway, first we tried treating him to a meal. He seemed really suspicious of us, he must have though we were trying to poison him or something. So he's sitting there, with a bowl of ramen in front of him, he starts to pull down his mask, and suddenly Shikamaru's team burst in and blocked our view! By the time we'd got them out the way, he'd finished eating and had his mask back on."_

_Kai – "So no one saw his face?"_

_(Naruto points at the chef and his daughter.)_

_Naruto U. – "They saw it."_

_Kimiko – "What did it look like?"_

_Teuchi I. – "We can't say. Customer confidentiality."_

_Kai – "Stingy!"_

_Kimiko – "Ok, tell us what you tried next."_

_Naruto U. – "We tried to catch him out at the hot springs. Me and Sasuke were in the water, waiting for him to come out of the locker rooms. We were so sure we would get him that time. Well, he came out and he was wearing his mask, nothing else, just his damn mask!"_

_Kai – "That's just silly! Who wears a mask in the bath?"_

_Naruto U. – "After that we were getting desperate. We beat up some weirdos, disguised ourselves in their clothes, and tried to threaten Kakashi–sensei into showing us his face. We got our asses kicked."_

_Kimiko – "So in the end, you never did find out what was under his mask?"_

_Naruto U – "Actually, we did. He showed us."_

_Kimiko & Kai – "What was it!"_

_Naruto U. – "Another mask."_

_Kimiko & Kai – "…"_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With his piece said, Naruto hopped off his stool, and with a wave, dashed through the curtain and down the street. Kimi and Kai watched him go, then turned back to see the chef looking at them expectantly. They then noticed the large pile of empty bowls which Naruto had accumulated over the course of the interview, and recalled that he had made no attempt to pay for them.

Kai and Kimiko gave each other a look. "God, I hate ninjas." Sighed Kai.

Five minutes later, they were walking back to the HQ, their wallets considerably emptier than they had anticipated. Kai was especially grumpy, as he'd even had to spend his cigarette money.

"It'll give your lungs a chance to recover." Kimi told him.

"What do I need my lungs for? I'm a photographer." He grumbled, aimlessly kicking a stone.

The climbed down the stairs to the street entrance of their basement headquarters and opened the door. Saiga was tapping away at his keyboard, and swivelled round on his chair to greet them.

"I've managed to access Kakashi-sama's computer." He informed them.

"Good thinking." Said Kimiko, switching on the coffee machine. "He might have some old photos of himself on it."

"No, I've already checked." Saiga shook his head. "He's wearing a mask in all of them."

"Well, was a waste of time then!" Kai said angrily. Saiga gave a little jump at the harsh words.

"Kai!" Kimiko scolded him.

"…I'm sorry." Apologised Kai, shrinking under her gaze.

"Its okay, Saiga-kun." Kimiko patted him on the shoulder. "Did you find anything else?"

"Well… I looked at his timetable." Saiga said quietly. "He's got a reservation for two at the Yukisora Restaurant tonight."

"Two? Does it say who he's meeting?" Kimi asked him.

"No."

"Okay, can you book us a table there?"

"Sure." He smiled. "I'll get you the one closest to his."

"Aren't you forgetting that we don't have any money?" Kai warily interrupted.

"I'll ask the editor for research expenses." She answered, drinking her coffee. "Remember we're working undercover, so you can't bring your camera."

"You can use this." Said Saiga, holding up a pen-sized spy camera.

"Yeetch. Digital." Kai grimaced. "I don't do digital cameras."

"I'm getting sick of you complaining." Kimi scowled at him.

"…Sorry."

---------

Several hours later, Kimi and Kai were sitting at a candle-lit table in Yukisora Restarant, feeling incredibly awkward. Romantic music was playing in the background, and the place was full of young couples holding hands and whispering to each other across the tables.

The reporters were trying to be inconspicuous, but were failing miserably, not helped by the way that they were sitting as far apart as possible, and hiding their faces behind their menus.

Kakashi was sitting alone five metres away from them, dressed in an expensive-looking suit, and of course, his ever-present mask. His date hadn't arrived yet, and they were wondering who it would be. While Kakashi was certainly popular, they had been no indications that he was in a relationship with anyone.

Despite his misgivings over digital cameras, Kai was covertly snapping away, the spy-camera poking over the top of his menu like a miniature periscope. He'd been a bit withdrawn since she'd yelled at him this afternoon, and Kimi couldn't understand why she should have that effect on him. In general, Kai couldn't care less what people said to him.

Suddenly, the doors opened, and Kai and Kimiko's jaws hit the floor. In walked Haruno Sakura, dressed in a beautiful red sleeveless dress. Kakashi stood up from the table and waved to her, she waved back, and made her way over to him.

Kai's finger was clicking madly on the camera trigger, and Kimi was too shocked to tell him off for it. Kakashi and Sakura sat down together, laughing over a whispered joke. The waiter came over and gave them menus, which they mused over, discussing their choices.

"What a scoop!" Hissed Kai, leaning over to Kimiko. "This tops everything we've got so far!"

"I'm not sure we should use this… I mean, its personal…" Kimi noticed Sakura was glancing in their direction. "Ssh! She's looking this way!" They hurriedly retreated into their menus. Across the room, Sakura regarded them with a suspicious expression.

Kimiko and Kai observed the pair for a while, Kimiko resorting to five cups of the restaurant's horrendously expensive coffee. She was worried that Sakura would remember them from last week and guess their true intentions for being there.

They watched as the waiter went to Kakashi and Sakura's table and took their orders. After ordering, Kakashi excused himself to go to the bathroom. With Kakashi gone, Sakura turned her attention back to the reporters.

"Eeeee!" Squeaked Kimi, joining her menu Kai's in a sort of defensive barrier. "I think she remembers us!"

Kai risked a look over top of the barricade, and saw Sakura getting up from her chair with an intent look on her face. "Oh crap!" He whispered.

Kimi repeated his action, and wished she hadn't. "She's getting nearer!" She panicked, producing a pencil out nowhere and thrusting it between her chattering teeth. "Oh no! Oh no! What do we do?"

Kai looked about desperately, and closed his eyes, trembling with some inner conflict. The ninja's steps were getting closer and closer. "Forgive me…" Kai said quietly, and suddenly pulled the pencil out of Kimi's mouth, and flattened the menus, leaving them in full view of Sakura.

"What are…?" Kimi started, but got no further, because that was when Kai leaned across the table and kissed her.

Time seemed to freeze. Kimiko could feel her heart beating in her chest, beads of sweat on the back of her neck, her lips on Kai's. From a few feet away, Sakura watched them with a puzzled expression, then shrugged and went back to her seat.

Kai and Kimiko broke away from each other, gasping for breath. They stared at each other, the tension so thick it'd need an axe to cut it. Finally, Kimi spoke. "Quick thinking, there."

Kai visible relaxed. "Um… yeah… heh heh." He forced a laugh.

Kakashi came out of the bathroom and returned to his table. He made small talk with Sakura for a while, and eventually their meals came. Kai and Kimiko focussed their attention on the ninja as he began to reach for his mask. Kimi noticed that Sakura was also paying close attention to her teacher, and she began to suspect that they might have misunderstood the situation.

Kakashi began to pull down his mask. Three pairs of eyes burned into him in rapt anticipation. All of a sudden, the ninja's cell phone began to ring. He answered it immediately, his meal forgotten.

"Moshi moshi? This is Kakashi. Oh… right. I'll be right there." He snapped his phone shut and turned to Sakura. "Something's come up. I've got to go."

Sakura's eye twitched, her smile faltering. "That's fine." She murmured through gritted teeth.

Without another word, Kakashi got up and left the restaurant. Sakura stood next to the abandoned table, a dark cloud hanging over her head. With a cry of frustration, she punched the table, sending splinters of wood flying across the restaurant. The other diners gaped at her in shock. "Dammit!" She screamed. "I was so close!"

Kai and Kimiko stared at each other across the table, and both let out a long sigh. Whatever Kakashi's secret was, it seemed that the forces of fate conspired against all those who would seek to uncover it.


End file.
